WHY YOUR 'FRIEND' DOESN'T SEE YOU AS 'MY FRIEND'

I read this line in a book: “Mere acquaintances leaves me unsatisfied, and few people are willing to accept the burdens and risks of friendships as I conceive of it.”

That powerful statement caught my attention and got me thinking real good.

Does friendship happen? Or do you make it happen?

My In-law met this girl the other day and the two of them hit off right away. Before you know it, the girl began to spend more time at his place and she went on talking about the many friends she had: some in powerful high places; everyone one of them loaded. The more they went out together, the more he came to believe her as she introduced him to many of her top friends who quickly took a liking to her new boyfriend.

A month later the unexpected happened.

The rains came in torrents and left in its wake a flood of water so high many houses were filled with water. The girl happened to be one of the unfortunate victims whose quarters were hit by the flood. Without giving it a second thought, she quickly called her new friend, that is my In-Law to come help her pack out her stuff as she had no one to call. My In-law was very stunned. What did she mean by no one? What about her many friends, the ones she’d introduced him to?

Unfortunately for her, he was not in town when the she called as he was on assignment from his office. “Why don’t you call your friend, Onyinye?” my In-Law suggested. “Or you could call Paul since he can use his jeep to come help pick up your stuff?”

“I’ve called them but they all said they’re too busy.” she replied. My In-Law was mildly shocked to hear her reply.

After he narrated the story to me, I said many people don’t really know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance; know if someone is qualified to move up the ladder to becoming a friend; know when to keep someone as a friend; and do not know how and what it takes to sustain that relationship into long time friendship.

In other words say, you meet A for the first time and you two hit off from the get go, does that automatically mean you are friends?; even if it is a man-woman relationship?

So, you meet often; become drinking paddies or even shopping buddies, does that make you guys friends simply because you share a hobby together?

What is the quality of your conversations? Gossip, politics, business, family matters, religion, general issues from history, new age thinking, science, jokes, life, living, health, DIY activities together, life skills, etc? Do you struggle to sustain a conversation? Can you defend your values in a discussion? Do you even know what they are? How vast is your store of knowledge?

When push comes to shove will your friendship survive the storm of social class differences, health problems, personal success, business crisis, job loss, relocation, family pressures, religious differences, beliefs, ethics, principles, ideologies, peer pressures and the need to go with the current fad whatever they might be? These factors will test your friendship in unpredictable ways that can be revealing. It is at this point you'll begin to ask, complain or groan inwardly, asking yourself: Do I really want this person present in my life?

Can an acquaintance play the role of what a friend can do? Yes, to some extent depending on what is required. But does that automatically make you his friend? I’ll give you another example. Say you saw someone got hit in an accident and you were human enough to pick this person up and rush him to the hospital, does that automatically make you his friend because you helped him?

That you met someone for the first time and had a great laugh or two, with some witty banter thrown in does not mean you are friends automatically even though you enjoyed each other’s company at that moment. Nor the fact that you see someone everyday, say like in an office makes that person your friend. Most often than not you’re still acquaintances – the degree of closeness might be different – still it does not necessarily translate to friendship.

The fact that you pour out your emotional chatter on a psychologist who listens and offers you some sound advice does not make her your friend. She’s simply doing her job - making your best interest top on her list. And of course if she does not do a good job of it, certainly you’ll fire her or look for someone better.

Two women can be seeing each other every day, call on each other to eat in the same canteen, love the same types of clothes, shoes etc, share jokes and even laugh together about others, does that make them friends? If in that relationship, Woman A begins to feel that she and Woman B are becoming friends, she may be flabbergasted to learn that Woman B does not see her in that same light! Do you agree? Do you believe this can happen?

So I ask you again, does friendship happens or do you make it happen? How long does it take to become FRIENDS? A day, matter of weeks, months or years?

In other words, who is A FRIEND?

The one you speak to often, enjoys his company, help often, share ideas with, tell your secrets to, go out often with, always together with, or one who knows you, respects you, support you, advise and even give you honest criticism and wants to see you succeed as much as she wants to succeed too?

In the end, the kind and quality of CONTENT, EXPECTATIONS and CONSCIOUSNESS of your relationship by both parties involve, defines your SORT of friendship: be they family, friends, colleagues, or business partners.