WHY YOUR 'FRIEND' DOESN'T SEE YOU AS 'MY FRIEND'

I read this line in a book: “Mere acquaintances leaves me unsatisfied, and few people are willing to accept the burdens and risks of friendships as I conceive of it.”

That powerful statement caught my attention and got me thinking real good.

Does friendship happen? Or do you make it happen?

My In-law met this girl the other day and the two of them hit off right away. Before you know it, the girl began to spend more time at his place and she went on talking about the many friends she had: some in powerful high places; everyone one of them loaded. The more they went out together, the more he came to believe her as she introduced him to many of her top friends who quickly took a liking to her new boyfriend.

A month later the unexpected happened.

The rains came in torrents and left in its wake a flood of water so high many houses were filled with water. The girl happened to be one of the unfortunate victims whose quarters were hit by the flood. Without giving it a second thought, she quickly called her new friend, that is my In-Law to come help her pack out her stuff as she had no one to call. My In-law was very stunned. What did she mean by no one? What about her many friends, the ones she’d introduced him to?

Unfortunately for her, he was not in town when the she called as he was on assignment from his office. “Why don’t you call your friend, Onyinye?” my In-Law suggested. “Or you could call Paul since he can use his jeep to come help pick up your stuff?”

“I’ve called them but they all said they’re too busy.” she replied. My In-Law was mildly shocked to hear her reply.

After he narrated the story to me, I said many people don’t really know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance; know if someone is qualified to move up the ladder to becoming a friend; know when to keep someone as a friend; and do not know how and what it takes to sustain that relationship into long time friendship.

In other words say, you meet A for the first time and you two hit off from the get go, does that automatically mean you are friends?; even if it is a man-woman relationship?

So, you meet often; become drinking paddies or even shopping buddies, does that make you guys friends simply because you share a hobby together?

What is the quality of your conversations? Gossip, politics, business, family matters, religion, general issues from history, new age thinking, science, jokes, life, living, health, DIY activities together, life skills, etc? Do you struggle to sustain a conversation? Can you defend your values in a discussion? Do you even know what they are? How vast is your store of knowledge?

When push comes to shove will your friendship survive the storm of social class differences, health problems, personal success, business crisis, job loss, relocation, family pressures, religious differences, beliefs, ethics, principles, ideologies, peer pressures and the need to go with the current fad whatever they might be? These factors will test your friendship in unpredictable ways that can be revealing. It is at this point you'll begin to ask, complain or groan inwardly, asking yourself: Do I really want this person present in my life?

Can an acquaintance play the role of what a friend can do? Yes, to some extent depending on what is required. But does that automatically make you his friend? I’ll give you another example. Say you saw someone got hit in an accident and you were human enough to pick this person up and rush him to the hospital, does that automatically make you his friend because you helped him?

That you met someone for the first time and had a great laugh or two, with some witty banter thrown in does not mean you are friends automatically even though you enjoyed each other’s company at that moment. Nor the fact that you see someone everyday, say like in an office makes that person your friend. Most often than not you’re still acquaintances – the degree of closeness might be different – still it does not necessarily translate to friendship.

The fact that you pour out your emotional chatter on a psychologist who listens and offers you some sound advice does not make her your friend. She’s simply doing her job - making your best interest top on her list. And of course if she does not do a good job of it, certainly you’ll fire her or look for someone better.

Two women can be seeing each other every day, call on each other to eat in the same canteen, love the same types of clothes, shoes etc, share jokes and even laugh together about others, does that make them friends? If in that relationship, Woman A begins to feel that she and Woman B are becoming friends, she may be flabbergasted to learn that Woman B does not see her in that same light! Do you agree? Do you believe this can happen?

So I ask you again, does friendship happens or do you make it happen? How long does it take to become FRIENDS? A day, matter of weeks, months or years?

In other words, who is A FRIEND?

The one you speak to often, enjoys his company, help often, share ideas with, tell your secrets to, go out often with, always together with, or one who knows you, respects you, support you, advise and even give you honest criticism and wants to see you succeed as much as she wants to succeed too?

In the end, the kind and quality of CONTENT, EXPECTATIONS and CONSCIOUSNESS of your relationship by both parties involve, defines your SORT of friendship: be they family, friends, colleagues, or business partners.

WOULD YOU BREAK A VOW?

Sam Smith in his mega smashing album In The Lonely Hour, track 5 of that album titled: I’m Not The Only One said these words: “You and I made a VOW... I Can’t believe you’d let me down...but it proves in the way that it hurts...”

Have you ever experienced the making and breaking of a vow before? Who broke the vow, you or the other party? Perhaps you both agreed to break the vow?

The word VOW is so synonymous with marriage people actually may have forgotten that making a VOW cuts across all spheres of live: family-ties, friendships, workplace job requirement, business contract and every aspect of life that requires VOW-taking of some sort: a pledge, a promise, undertaking, declaration, keeping your word, gentleman’s agreement and so on. These are all VOWS.
When people break a marriage vow, is it really ‘wrong’? Is it a ‘bad’ thing? Does it make the participant(s) a ‘bad person(s)’?

Since a vow is a conscious agreement between persons, why would someone break it, say in marriage where a vow is considered 'sacred'? Does the fact that marriage has been defined as sacred by some religion make it a vow that cannot be broken?  Or perhaps a relationship in which a promise of marriage has been made, should the vows be kept at all cost even when both the means and the end is an uneven yoke?

When people make a vow, it sometimes means  that they fully know what they are getting into, or a have vision of what they hope to get into. Some however may not even have any inkling or complete idea of what they are getting into.

If one marries a man or woman out of love, security, class, status or whatever reason they chose, only to get into that marriage to suffer emotional abuse, physical abuse and psychological humiliation, should the vows still be kept at all cost to keep up appearances or because "people will talk" ?

When Victor turned twenty years old, his father in trying to prepare his son for future entanglement with a woman, sat him down to advise him. He told him, "Marrying your mother was my greatest mistake. Don't make the same mistake. Choose your wife carefully." And when Victor asked why, his father said, “By the requirements of our religion, your mother was not a virgin when I touched her on the night of our wedding.” At the time, Joseph had not understood why his father would have opened up to him the way he did but on flash back he realised that because his mother had not being a virgin, anything she did was marred by the absence of her virginity. Victor later told me he had often wondered why his father sometimes raised his hands to beat his mother; always pinning for the only woman he ever loved but never married because his Aunty had suggested he marry Victor's  mother instead.

For almost thirty years, Joseph watched his father mistreat and almost eroded his mother’s sense of self-worth; only she was an emotionally tough woman.

If you were in Joseph’s shoes, would you tell your mother to break her vows with her husband? Suppose you were the Wife, would you still keep your vows to a man who treats you like that? Or perhaps, you are the man, will you continue to keep your vows to this woman who is not the love of your life but whom you maltreat and pour all your vexations on? And when you think about it, do you think the man has kept the other part of his vows: To Love and To Cherish?

Suppose you belong to a religion, only to discover that the religion covertly promotes war and hate for a fellow human simply because they do not belong to your religion or race? Or that whenever a passing remark which you consider to be offensive about your religion is said to you, therefore you should quickly and methodically label such persons are ‘infidels’, ‘apostates’ etc? If you’re consciously aware your religion promotes religious hate of this kind, will you still keep your vows to that group all because of your fondness for that religion, religious affiliation or simply because you grew up in that religion - it being the only religion you’ve known all your life?

When a group, organisation or persons promotes the disenfranchisement of anyone who has left a religious fold not because they committed a terrible crime but for personal reasons, say for example because they feel the religion has something to hide, is not what it says it is, or perhaps the religion did not leave up to expectations in providing better fulfilling answers to life issues, would you join ranks with others to hate the ones that left?

WOULD YOU BREAK A VOW?

Can there be ‘justifiable' grounds where vows are broken? If so, should the breaking of a vow be treated with such triviality that it lacks the inherent value it ought to have?

A vow does not need to wear the cloak of 'sacredness' just to make sure the parties involved would be enforced to keep it! A vow is serious business and should be treated as such. By removing the mythical aura that a vow is something that can never be broken – must never be broken – maybe how we treat vows can now take its rightful meaning and place in our lives: I Promise to...

A vow is serious business, so before you make one, make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into...

But if after committing yourself, you find out it endangers the very essence of your BEING and even those of others then do what you have to do.