Dating women is My Only Compulsion

There’s this guy I know. He’s handsome in a roguish way and has the kind of height most women will die for. He’s versatile, gifted, skilled and a wordsmith. 

But here’s the thing that makes him tick. Whenever he walks into a room and chances to see women, his thinking mode gets into the dating overdrive. He becomes instantly alert, sweeps his eyes over the faces of women, does a quick mental note-taking of their statistics: busts, hips, eyes, arms and their general comportment.

He smiles to himself and says: “They are all dateable!” and with one swoop he charms his way into the group of women, teasing, cracking licentious jokes, at the same time responding wittingly to their snide remarks about his jokes; refusing to feel insulted by the dead-on look one or two women throws at him but basks in the knowledge that he could provoke that level of moral outrage from them.

You’d think that the women really don’t like him and want him out of their hairs, yet rather than shove him off with their sarcastic disgust, it is interesting to observe that it seems these women don’t actually want him to go. Their body language was enough giveaway: a pretentious glance at him and away from him just in time before he looks their direction, hands splayed over hips as each woman rearranges her skirt, gown or jeans. From where I sat I could tell they enjoyed his company far too much than most of the other guys who had stopped by earlier to chat them up.

Even when he told them: “I’ll date all of you at once. Then I’ll date your sisters and friends too”, the women laughed, many already turned-on. The only question left hanging was: of the lot, who would he take home?

Sometime later when the event had reached its peak and it was time to go, as I walked towards the stairs I noticed three women eagerly rushed after this guy just as he was about to leave too and said to him: “Please can you drop me off just along the way?” another said, “If you’re going along my way, I don’t mind the ride with you.” and the third one said, “Please can I join?”

The guy didn’t waste time deciding. “Hop on in!” he announced to them and the babes giggled endlessly, rushing into his car, two of them struggling for the passenger seat in front. One succeeded and the other had no choice but to take the seat directly behind the guy. And off they zoomed into the night. I looked behind moi and I could see the wishful looks on the other women’s faces who looked like they would have preferred to be in the other women’s shoes.

That was the last I saw of him until an off chance meeting when I bumped into him some weeks later at another formal function. He recognised me instantly because I had taken a part in the previous event. We struck off immediately talking politics, business and social issues and before long we veered into unchartered territories – one I have been eager to get a better understanding of. I asked him: “How come the ladies wanted to go out with you even when you told them you’ll date all of them? I’d thought that would have been a turn-off...”

He smiled roguishly at me and said, “They like a man who is virile. Although my comments and jokes ought to have made me a marked man that’s un-dateable, the reverse is always the case.”

“In other words, it means that these ladies read between the lines and noted that if you could handle more than one, then you’re more than capable of fully satisfying one?”

“True, that.” he said.

I thought to myself. If this is the case indeed, it means that one of the criteria women are looking for in a man is virility. Yet the question begs: what type of woman does it reveal one to be who goes after a man who says he can date several women at once? Matter of fact, is it really a type of woman or more of what choices a woman gets to make? Is this a psychological predisposition, or cultural, environmental or religious conditioning? Perhaps it’s more of a societal shift in norms and values...Or is it indeed a reflection of a woman’s personal choice of who she dates and why she prefers it?

So I asked him, “The ladies that left with you, was it in the hope that they’ll get paid at the end of the event?”

“I don’t give women a dime!” he said. “This is about mutual satisfaction, a fun thrill we both wanted and went for it. And if you noticed, two of the ladies have fantastic jobs in two multinational companies while the third woman runs a successful boutique. So they weren’t coming for the money.”

“Do you think perhaps they were coming for the hopeful idea of becoming The One – the woman who would steal your heart, then?”

He was so full of mirth before he replied me and said, “Sure. That’s always at the back of their mind. Even when I tease them that they could become my fourth or fifth wife, they seem not to mind.”

“Is age perhaps a factor – the thinking that their clock may be ticking away?” I asked.

“In some cases, yes, but in others I’ve found that they just want to settle down and bear the title ‘Mrs’; only in one or two cases that the women were simply comfortable not making or hinting at any of these hopes.”

So I said, perhaps to counter his stance. “Steve Harvey said there’s a man for every woman and a woman for every man. If that is the case why would a woman settle for what you offer?”

“Well maybe in America, there’s a man for every woman and because America law is strongly against bigamy, well they have no choice but to string along until the man with the proposal, ring and certificate comes along to sweep her off her feet. However, statistics have always shown that there are always more women than there are men at any given time except in very rare societies. 

“Then too, you must realise that in Africa and Nigeria, culturally and religious-wise, this is a way of life, in fact it is accepted as an option to explore. Even in Lagos the house of assembly has decriminalise the desire to make such choices. Islam allows men to marry more than one wife and where I come from it is common to see men with more than one wife. So it is a personal decision, a choice that others who feel by default of their religious or morality conditioning refuse to see it as an option, should not bother sticking their mouths into the matter.

“Besides a serial monogamist is no better than a stable polygamist if you feel we need to be fanatical about wrong or right here; nor is a guy who is unmarried yet serially dates and keeps mistresses or girlfriends a better angel or a lesser devil than the polygamist. My point is, people live with their choices: good, bad, in sickness, in health and wealth, in quarrels and so on. Even monogamy has more than its fair share of these, as statistics show. But I think the question you should be asking is, how prepared are you for marriage? Many unhappiness, problems and challenges that come up in marriage is as a result of the ill-preparedness and misplaced expectations of those going into it. And in some cases, one party is more prepared than the other party, which can really cause friction, bad chemistry and plenty disappointments.”

The moment he paused, it suddenly struck me that he had been waiting a long time for someone to ask him these questions and I just happened to get him talking. I looked at him and began to wonder for the very first time if there’s more to how mankind can live than the ideal that is preached and lauded as the only way. 

To get his view on another provoking issue, I asked: “Are we a reflection of the family we come from?”

He smiled and said, “Sometimes. Most times. In fact, all of the time.” he laughed again, then said, “We are either fighting what we experienced as we saw how our parents lived or we embraced their lifestyle because we either felt we had no choice or because we’ve been conditioned to think that way and so we accept it as the best way; or we simply are cowards and so remain as we are because we are afraid to be true to who we are.

“We all have weaknesses; we only learn to manage them. Making something a taboo only increases man’s curiosity to venture, to experiment, to explore, to discover, and know. They once said it was an insult to God to attempt to go to the moon. That taboo only made man dare going to the moon. However, this does not mean I’m saying taboo on murder and stealing should be removed because you have no right to take another man’s property or life without his willing consent. 

“We are all traders trying to survive. Marriage is a trade whether we like it or not. The choice of whom we date is a trade negotiated so we can live happy, fulfilled lives with someone we care deeply about; although to be honest I see marriage as an institution forged by the weak to control the strong. However, in this matter under discussion, sex is simply food that man eats when he is hungry: with his wife, fiancée or girlfriend. When you are hungry, you buy a meal if you have the means to afford it. It is now up to the seller to trade. It could be trade by barter or trade for something tangible in return. So nobody is forcing you. It is that simple. Why? Because you have the choice to say NO! and Walk. Away. 

“Why pretend as though someone forced you into it? 

“And let me say this to you. I am not so crazy about the act as much as I am about the willingness of the woman that is self-inclusive. But the process of chasing a woman and getting her, that’s the thrill for me. Because the moment I sense resistance on her part when about to perform the act, I am turned off completely. As a matter of precaution, I allow them to take the lead first before I now take charge. That way she won’t claim she was forced.

“Every girl has the power to say NO! She has the choice TO. WALK. AWAY. It is up to YOU.”