Why Atlas Shrugged Caved!

The first time I saw the book, Atlas Shrugged, I gasped. The pages were nearly as much as the Bible, written in small old Times New Roman too! A friend of mine, during one of those introspective conversational banter we usually have, mentioned the book, explaining what a controversial person the author turned out to be.

Instinctively, I knew I had to read it; the sheer size of the book nonetheless. It was the sort of book I knew I would get a kick from.

By the time I finally put down the book, I ‘phewed’ several times. There were moments when I felt the book subsumed me, whipped me, cajoled me, teased me, offended me, provoked me and revitalised me all at once. That is what Atlas Shrug will do to you when you get down to it. It was the sort of book, once completed, you put down with a heavy thud, bang the table and shout “YES!” as a declaration, an anthem and victory for the brilliant mind that penned it down. I couldn’t stop repeating to myself, What A Book - What A Mind - What A Woman!

Atlas Shrugged, written by Ayn Rand is a highly philosophical book that espouses the principles of Objectivism – Ayn Rand’s own epistemology.

Using a love triangle as the intricate plot to all the dimensions the story will take form, Ayn Rand used Dagny as the central person that connected the key heroic characters in the book: Hank Rearden/ Francisco, John Galt and Eddie Willers as well as the key Villain in the story, her brother James Taggart, President, Taggart Transcontinental.

The novel, written in 1957 takes a critical analysis at the factors, conditions, attributes, values and principles that drives, motivates and inspires man’s action to create and trade. It also taps into the internal thinking processes and feelings that steers man’s needs, his abilities, his decision making and choices.

Covering 30 chapters in 1,168 pages, Atlas Shrugs explores great themes, motifs, philosophy, metaphors and a masterpiece plot to drive her resolution home. I find Chapter 1V of Part II, The Sanction of The Victim most poignant; and the speech by John Galt on Chapter VII, page 1009 of Part III – “This is John Galt Speaking”, the most thought provoking.

Imagine reading a phrase such as this on page 419: There are no evil thoughts, except one – the refusal to think.

Pg. 445 states: Man’s Motive Power is his Mind.

Pg. 457: When disaster strikes, one must show the instantaneous refusal to submit to disaster.

And on pg 490, I find Francisco’s Philosophy of Sex refreshingly engrossing: “A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his evaluation of himself.... Sex is the most profound selfish acts of all, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment – just try to think of performing it in the spirit of selfless charity! ...It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience – or fake – a sense of self esteem...[for] he does not seek to gain his value but to express it.”

On page 661 she upturns a wrongful way of thinking by restating it as: ... “from each according to his ability, so to each according to his need.” That you need something doesn’t mean you have to have it at the expense of another. Rather your needs should be equal to the size of your ability.

664 – When all decent pleasure are forbidden, there are always ways to get the rotten ones.

665 – About moral law: the more you tried to live up to it, the more you suffered; the more you cheated it, the bigger rewards you got. Your honesty was like a tool left at the mercy of the next man’s dishonesty.

671 – “I will stop the motor of the world...his name was John Galt.”

678 – Cattles...they will obey anybody who expects obedience. But money inside a man’s pocket had the power to turn confidence into his mind.

Page 709 – Think, create and prosper. Do onto thy neighbour as you wish him to do to you.

720 – When one deals with words, one deals with the mind.

721 – There’s no such thing as a lousy job – only lousy men who don’t care to do it. Any man who’s afraid of hiring the best ability he can find is a cheat who is in the business he doesn’t belong.

760 – Atlantis code: it is against our rules to provide the unearned sustenance of another human being.

Pg. 788 – Rationality, Integrity, Honesty...are all acts of creating that comes from the same source. Pg. 791 – every man builds his world in his own image.

802 – If any part of your uncertainty is a conflict between your heart and mind – follow your mind.

823 - A human harmonizer is a machine with no centre, leader or direction.

A lie is self abdication, page 859.

891 – In whatever situation you find yourself, place nothing – nothing – above the verdict of your mind. Your life is the highest of values; too high to give it up without a fight.

1012 – Man’s mind is his basic tool of survival.

1015-1016: Existence Exists. A is A. EXISTENCE IS IDENTITY. CONSCIOUSNESS is Identification. To arrive at a contradiction is to confess an error in one’s thinking; to maintain a contradiction is to abdicate one’s mind and to evict oneself from the realm of reality. All thinking is the process of identification and integration.

1017 – A process of reason is a process of constant choice in answer to the question: True or False; Right or Wrong.

1018 – To live, man must hold three things as supreme and ruling values of his life: Reason-Purpose-Self Esteem. And that the alleged shortcut to knowledge is faith.

1096 – You cannot force a mind.

1101-1109: The exact definition of an Egoist; not its connotation but what it denotes.

1022 – Happiness is a state of the man, a contradictory joy.

Page 1022 – A Trader is the symbol of the relationship among men.

1027 – Explores the constant struggle between God and Society; Spirit and Muscle.

By page 1061, it is so clear how a country’s political system is based on its code of morality.

If you’ve not read this book, go get yours now, if not for anything else but to have your mind thorougly engaged in some real thinking.

The Stories We Tell, Matters

A mindset is about a way of thinking and reading, and in many ways helps the wiring of the mind in a way so powerful one begins to actually enact that life which one has seen in his mind’s eyes. That was the conclusion I drew after reading the long dialogue in the book titled Ishmael.

In creating our own illusions, sometimes we should be careful not to feed on it to the point of obesity else, it will consume us and the reality we face will become so stark we can no longer tell what is true or false anymore. This is why the book titled Ishmael written by Daniel Quinn matters.

Stories are who we are. People can’t just give up a STORY. When you do, one is bound to fail. Because you can’t just stop being in a story, you have to have another story to be in. Ishmael, pg 128, pp9.

Stop. Pause. Yes, it’s good to be in a story. Everybody loves a good story. It is why there are many ways to tell stories. Which kind of story appeals to you more: rags to riches, stranger comes to town, the quest like an Odyssey? Or perhaps overcoming the monster kind of story? Whichever story you prefer, it does tell something about a core value inside you that wants to express itself in that manner. 

Daniel Quinn, in his book helps us take a deeper look at the stories that you and I have been told through ‘Holy Books’ which have survived thousands of years to our time begging us to for once question them. Not because you feel a need to desecrate, but because you are blessed with a mind that naturally questions even what it believes. Why bother, you ask? Because these stories have not only tried to shape us, they may have actually helped to wipe out any cultural identity or story that was once originally yours; and even perhaps create a dangerous monster in place of it.

Daniel Quinn calls the story tellers of these ancient stories The Leavers and The Takers. Who are they?

Are you familiar with the story of Cain and Abel? What images conjure up in your mind? Is there more to that story than meet the eyes? Or perhaps you feel we should NEVER question what has been written or said by a HIGHER AUTHORITY? Hold that thought in your head. Don’t say anything until you’ve read these words: “And Cain went on to kill Abel because he had found favour in God’s eyes.” Gen. Chapter 4:8. 

Here, Cain is identified as the agriculturist and Abel the animal husbandry man. Yet the Question begs: what was really wrong with Cain’s offering? Too little? Not enough? Or because they were ‘lifeless’? Is that enough to reject his offering? Are vegetables actually lifeless than an animal about to be slaughtered? 

Now imagine yourself, suppose you were Cain, and agriculture is all you knew, where else will your offerings come from? Is it not from what you have? Will you steal someone else’s so you can give a ‘better’ offering? Remember, Cain’s offering was not rejected because it was stolen. So why reject his effort? Perhaps someone is actually telling a story in METAPHORS? Think about it.

Ishmael, Pg 152 pp8, says, “The story of Genesis must be reversed. First, Cain must stop murdering Abel. This is essential if you’re to survive... – there is no one right way to live... You must absolutely and forever relinquish the idea that you know who should live and who should die on this planet.” 

So if we try telling a story about ourselves as a war mongering, vengeance-pay-back kind of people or a country, then essentially that is what we shall become both in the short and long run and so will our future generations. Even the nature of our constitution, jurisprudence, law, customs and culture will reflect the kind of story we are telling. And it is from these perceived nuances that people extract the content of our character, our values, ethics, M.O. and vision. Same thing happens if we say we are a docile, laidback, content and subservient people. So shall our people and country become; what we say we are by the stories we tell and how we tell it becomes who we are. You are your own story. 

But how can we 'retell' our stories?

Ishmael, Pg 152, pp12, says, “You must change people’s minds. And you can’t just root out a harmful complex of ideas and leave a void behind; you have to give people something that is as meaningful as what they’ve lost—something that makes better sense than the old horror of Man Supreme...”

What I like About AMERICANAH

Each time I pick up and read Chimamanda’s books: Purple Hibiscus and Half of a Yellow Sun, a smile always hover around the corner of my mouth. Actually, it’s more like an extended grin that is slim always taking too long for it to disappear. Her book is like eating very tasty Jollofrice – you know that special recipe only grandmamma knows how to concoct (wink!) – that is how I look forward to reading her books. It is also how I savour them.

So when I read Americanah – First Editions – the very same day it arrived at the bookstore in Abuja, I knew I was reading a juggernaut. I rolled in laughter, jumped on my bed numerous times and ran in and out of the kitchen severally times still clutching the book. I was hooked!

I loved how she weaved the story of Emenike the wannabe Nigeria-turn-oyibo-by-force who craved for everything class, wealth, royalty, and Western semblance in his life; the baptism by fire fresh students who go abroad to school face when it comes to which ‘African’ society they ought to belong at the University – a deciding factor that reveals their Africanness or dilution thereof; I loved the honest introspection of how she narrated Obinze’s dual internal conflicts – the story of many honest Nigerians who desire to earn their keep by merit, hard work, honesty and sheer pursuit in that for which they have dreams and so desperately want to make real in a society that stifles such.

And each time I reflected back and forth at how sincerely she told Ifemelu’s story with such candour and unpretentious: her love life, her misjudgement during a long period of calamity after calamity which brought to focus her own weakness, her personal desires and vision of herself, her values and goals, and Aunty Uju’s love quest in ‘wrong’ places, I kissed the book a thousand times!

In between all these narratives, Chimamanda made us understand that our hair is an identity of who you are and your roots. A political statement if you will.

I did not want to put the novel down and when I finally did, the book had stains all over it that should have come with years of reading a book over and again. Chimamanda knows how to yarn tori well well, no be small. And today, in many Nigerian salons you’ll see women going in their small but regular numbers lending their voices to the hair movement she’s promoting: back to your hair roots people!

Finally, I was sated. And then it hit me!

I realise that for me Americanah exposes all of our pretentious identities. It looks at the sometimes vague and all too poignant reflection of the images we all tend to conjure up in different circumstances.

The expert way she talked about Race in America – the land of many a Nigerian’s dream; the symbol of all that is the best – using her blog as a tool of narration was a masterpiece. She told it like it is so that if you’ve never been to America before, you will definitely have a buffer around you after reading her book to absorb the culture shock you are bound to experience when you get there.

But most importantly, for me this book hits home. While Race is open warfare in America as it can be seen in the Michael Brown and Eric Garner case, ethnicity and tribalism in Nigeria is similar – an open warfare embroiled and interplayed with post colonial politics even today.

Tribalism in Nigeria is the equivalent of race in America. And that is because Nigeria too is a mismatch of various countries lumped into one dishomogenous entity just as the British and France did with the Arab world. And tribalism is been fanned today by how we refer to ourselves with anecdote, one-liners or a passing remark. One ethnic group calls the other ‘the human eating people’; another calls the other ‘people who shit inside their homes’, and so on. Would you call that racist? Forget they are all blacks with different skin tone and shades. They are all Africans.

So what makes a tribe, an ethnic group what they are? It is called IDENTITY. Identity covers their culture and how this culture is interpreted into norms, beliefs, laws, lifestyles, education, values, skills, business and politics.

But is it wrong that we are different? Even nature abounds with infinite differences. So what makes fanatical racism, ethnicism and tribalism a bile in one’s mouth?

It is when you begin to feel that you are SUPERIOR over the other person and so therefore can decide whether they live or die, get colonised or not, supply arms to or not, become the next president of Nigeria or not. There are only superior ideas but not necessarily superior races or tribes. A race can be powerful, no doubt but that does not necessarily make them superior. Ask Hitler.

The beauty of different races, ethnic groups and tribes is that it allows us to learn one from the other; today you may have a superior idea, tomorrow it could be my turn. We are after all a community of humans living interdependently with nature.

SO LIVE. STOP THE WAR BECAUSE YOU MATTER TOO.

And that’s what Americanah promotes: Love for differences, even admiration. 

Service Orientation is a Competence Skill

How do you see the term 'service'? What picture comes to your mind?

The other day, I walked into a big supermarket – not a mall – to buy some household needs. As I walked into the shop I nodded at someone I think should be the attendant. You see, I've come to realise that each time I greeted attendants in a number of supermarkets in Nigeria – simply out of courtesy – I realized too often and rather sadly how they ignore your greetings. In order not to feel I have wasted by breathe greeting them, I decided to device the ‘nodding technique’ and believe me it works! They immediately greet me properly. Why, does it work? That will be another discussion for another day or you can drop in your comment after reading this piece. 

As soon as I walked in though I was completely ignored but I noticed they had their eyes fixed on me as I moved from one aisle to another, their eyes also checking to see that my handbag was not bulkier than when I came in. Round and round the aisles I looked for what’s on my list and yet nothing. Almost feeling exasperated not getting what I came the long distance for, I decide to walk up to one of the attendants and asked for what I needed. The first two attendants said, “I don’t know all these products Ma. I don’t think we have them.”

Determined to get what I wanted, I walked up to the cashier and asked politely. She smiled and said, “Common you!” she pointed at one of the attendants, “Go and check that row near that corner. Na there wetin she dey look for dey.” Surprising they were they! 

The quantity I bought from the shop that day so shocked the cashier, I overheard her say to the other attendants, “Chai! See wetin the woman buy! Na so we for lose plenty sales today!” as I stepped out. 

The morale? Service orientation matters.

But what does service orientation mean?

Service Orientation means:

• To Anticipate
• To Recognise
• Meeting Customer’s Needs 

When you have the service orientation mindset, you:

• Understand customers needs and have matched them to services of products
• Seek ways to increase customer’s satisfaction and loyalty
• Gladly offer appropriate assistance
• Grasp a customer’s perspective, acting as a trusted advisor
• Being able to identify a client’s real, underlying – and often unstated – needs, then matching them to one’s products or services.
• It also means taking a long term perspective and so sometimes trading off immediate gains in order to protect and preserve the relationship
• Sales or continued patronage is no longer the sole goal of the relationship, but rather a by-product of servicing the client’s needs
• It also means occasionally letting another person take credit for a job well done
• To shine at service we need to monitor the satisfaction of customers, not waiting to hear complaints.

In service orientation, listening well is the key to empathy – and often winning more customers through word of mouth.

How to Listen Well With Empathy

To listen well with empathy means:

• Asking astute questions
• Being open minded
• Understanding
• Not interrupting
• Seeking suggestions
• Being in control of our own moods is essential to good communication
• How well you handle your emotions determine the degree to which those around you preferred to deal with you
• In dealing with peers and subordinates, calmness and patience are key. Stay cool and collected always, no matter any circumstances
• As an employee, do not be overly aggressive with dealing with your boss. It puts them on the defensive or becomes a turn-off
• Aiming for a neutral mood is the best strategy in anticipating or dealing with someone else, if only because it makes an emotional clean slate and allows you to adapt to whatever situation calls for, for example like a car in neutral can go reverse, low, or high gear, etc.
• A neutral mood leaves us ready to be more fully involved, present rather than emotionally removed.

Have you ever encountered that kind of customer who would not back down no matter what you say unless you hear them out or give them what they want? This is where your negotiating skills comes creates the desired effect you want.

Options and Approach to Negotiation

Problem Solving: in which both parties try to find the solution that works best for each side

Compromise – where both parties gives in more or less equally regardless of how that serves their needs

Aggression: where one party forces unilateral concessions from the other side. In this case, threats and demands poison the waters of negotiation

When conflict arises, as negotiation is ongoing, what do you do?

How to Handle Conflicts

First calm down, tune into your feelings and express them:

• Show a willingness to work things out by talking over the issue rather than escalating it with more aggression
• State your own point of view in neutral language rather than in an argumentative tone
• Try to find equitable ways to resolve the dispute, working together to find a resolution both sides can embrace.
• To achieve all the above, you need self-awareness, self-confidence, self-control and empathy.

Reference: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.

The Art of Critique

When you come across these words: criticize and critique, what definitions does your mind bring forth? To critique means to analyse, comment on, review or state your opinion or reaction to a set of ideas, or work of art. To criticize means to say that you disapprove of something or something or say what you don’t like or think is wrong about something or somebody. Did you notice how many times the word ‘wrong’ is used when you criticize? To criticize focuses more on the wrong and less on the facts and specific issues or ideas. 

And that is why to critique is the best form of correction – with the goal to bring about positive learning. In work and every aspect of human dealings, the need to be specific about the outcome and ways that will encourage the out of that which we want often boils down to how well we employ critique. 

How do you appreciate people while giving them a consistent stream of positive and constructive performance feedback? You can do the following: 

• Praise people for doing a good job
• Send personal notes of commendation
• Don’t fail to let them know when they goof too
• When you evaluate a person’s performance, be honest. You do them a dis-service when you give them praise where they are lacking. Be specific about the specific area you want them to do better
• Constant improvement should be a way of life. You should let them know WHAT they need to improve
• No feedback is bad. But much worse is incorrect or bad feedback

Leadership requires a good dose of coaching. As a helpful coach, give specific information about what is wrong, combined with the corrective feedback and positive expectation of the person’s ability to improve.

The worst way to give feedback, says Daniel Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence, is during an amygdala hijack, when the result is inevitably a character attack. Neglecting to give performance feedback is equally bad or has a pernicious effect. When an organisation deprive employees of specific job-related information, they may unwittingly inhibit their performance.

People hunger of honest feedback:

• It is not about giving brutal feedback – it’s a hidden sign for pure competitive aggression – an attack disguised as “helpfulness”.
• Feedback is not a macho game score of one-upmanship. You need to pay attention to the impact on the person receiving it. Being too blunt is not authentic help. This is not a game.

Always expect the best of so-called low performers despite their abominable histories. This however does not mean that you should hire someone who has no talent, capacity, expertise or bare skills needed for a job in the name of being fair. The business is in existence to succeed and make returns. 

• Show you believe in their ability to change
• Treat them more like winners rather than losers you’ve already deemed will fail no matter what.

How to Affect People Positively – The Pygmalion Effect

Pygmalion, a play by George Bernard Shaw presented to the public in 1912 was named after a Greek mythological character. The play is based on the Professor of Phonetics, Henry Higgins where he makes a bet that he can train a bedraggled girl who sells cockney flowers, Elizabeth Doolittle, to pass as a duchess at an ambassador’s garden party by teaching her how to assume a veneer of gentility though her command of impeccable speech. And as the story ended, he succeeded spectacularly.

The Pygmalion Effect therefore means expecting the best from people can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you make this happen at work, in the home, with friends and wherever you need people’s skills and abilities?

• Give them a suitable challenge with a vote of confidence. 
• Sometimes let others take the lead in setting their own goals, rather than dictating the terms and manner of their development.
• Communicate the belief in your employees that they have capacity to pilot their destiny – initiative.
• Sometimes use the technique where you point to problems without offering the solutions – this allows your employees to find the solution themselves.
• Use of Socratic Dialogue during ongoing assignment will give the person the needed training, and experience to overcome challenges is another technique. 
• Delegating responsibilities, or putting the person in charge of a project that will call forth new skills, well demands a sensitivity to the readiness of the person being coached – if the assignment is too easy, little will be learned; if it is too difficult, the person may experience a setback.
• Putting too much emphasis on coaching and development at the expense of other needs is a danger. Leadership and management skills are equally important for best performance.

References: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, Wikipedia and Oxford Advance Learner’s Dictionary.

When The Texture, Nature and Style of Your Hair Becomes A Political Statement

Just take a good look at this hair! What do you think? What words would you use to describe them?Bodacious? Stylish? Noveau? Elegant? Elan? Different?

Indie Arie once sang this beautiful song that stole my heart, "I AM NOT MY HAIR". The lyrics of the song, the tempo of the melody all capture the quite declaration of a women saying to the world, 'See! Can you see me? Because I can see you, too.'

So when I see someone like Giuliana Rancic of Fashion Police on E! make such rude aspersions describing the exceptionally beautiful locks of Singer Zendaya  Coleman at the Oscars as "she smells like patchouli oil. Or weed", just makes me boil with righteous rage. Who does Giuliana thinks she is anyway?

I have never liked fashion police for what it stands for because I see the show as a platform for persons who have no work to do other sit and critise others all the time. Since that's what the show has completely turned out to be. You don't have to be a soothsayer to see that coming!

That said, Africans, Asians and Latin Americans all possess a unique kind of hair, each glorious in its own way, but none more superior over the other. It is mostly amongst the uneducated Europeans, especially those who attach overemphasis on their 'superior race' I find quite a number who feel their hair is 'better' than others. Says who? Even amongst a group of a race, you will still find different textures and colour shades of hair. It's called VARIETY!

So, if today you opt for a long flowing straight hair, and tomorrow a curly style and the day after you're in braids, that simply tells me how much you want to look different each time. But to say that doing so means perhaps one style is superior doesn't not even deserve a topic of discussion.

Chimamanda in her book, Americanah understood what a political state your hair is and she did a superb job of it and today in many Nigerian salons you’ll find women going in their small but regular numbers lending their voices to the hair movement she’s promoting: back to your hair roots people!

There is no one-race-fits all in this world, so the likes of Giuliana should definitely have their mouths sealed, because, quite frankly, we don't care about you making an apology when you deliberately go out to offend, disrespect and can't tell the difference between good-looking clean hair and an unkempt one. Fact is only persons with serious inferiority complex and shallow-mindedness will stick out their tongues and just abuse others so they can feel good about themselves at the expense of some-else's misery. And if anyone decides to keep their hair Bob Marley style, just know it is a protest about been stereotyped  - a political statement of breaking from the false mold.

And when you think about it, of the four major hair types there are: straight, wavy, curly, kinky, it is only African Kinky hair that reverts to Naturale and can still be stretched with a hot hot comb or relaxer to have those 'oyibo' hair that only has one state of existence. Now you can't beat that! It's more than a bargain.

Naija and Africans: YOU ARE YOUR HAIR. Love it; Embrace It. Think of the many ways you can make it shine and look good. And that's a call to action to all hairstylists!

PS: read Zendaya's witty response to Giuliana's absurd comment, posted by Alexandra Perron, Editor:https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/singer-zendaya-calls-out-giuliana-rancic-for 111954684778.html.

That A Man Proposes, Should You Accept?

When a man proposes to you, will you accept? should you? must you?

Rita and Tunde have been going out as a couple for more than six years. They enjoy each other’s company; share the same friends and even beliefs. Rita’s family have been waiting a long time to see the ring on the appropriate finger but yet to see one. 

Then just yesterday, Tunde proposed, “Rita, I want us to take our relationship to the next level. Will You Marry Me?” The Feminine Voice in Rita shouted: “Say yes! Yes! What are you waiting for, gurl?” But her Rational Voice asked quietly, “Rita, Why does he want to marry you?”

That second question tugged at her heart sharply. Smiling sweetly at Tunde, she asked tactfully, “Tunde, why do you want to marry me?”

Tunde felt a little staggered by her probing questioning. The pressure on him from his friends and family had gotten under his skin; all of them accusing him, even insulting him for not doing the ‘proper thing’ as they called it. 

“Look Rita...” he began, “this is what every girl will die to hear from any man! And yet, here you are treating it with such triviality.” He had expected Rita to be grateful for his offer, instead, Rita got up and replied him, “You know what Tunde, I just realised both of us have become too comfortable with each other we didn’t even realise it.” That said Rita got up and left. 

Did I hear you say, “Is she stupid or what?”

That a man proposes, should you marry him? And if Rita were your sister, would you tell her to go ahead and marry Tunde?

Authentic marriage proposals are rare these days; and even more rear is the quality of the proposal. It is therefore quite understandable to expect that any woman should accept a marriage proposal that comes her way, no matter how long the dating or courting period was. And in a lame society such as ours, where the girl-child’s only aspiration is to get married – the pinnacle of her measure of achievement in life – it seems foolhardy on the part of Rita to have acted the way she did.

To marry is a personal decision, but remember: never accept a marriage proposal from a man who marries you to compensate you when you are in love with him.

In other words, know why the man dey marry you and not what you imagine as the reason he’s marrying you! 

Because when you know why, it is easy to LIVE WITH THE WHY. But you have to be blatantly honest with the truth of the WHY so you can live happily. No relationships based on lies, misplaced imagination and unrealistic wishes ever withstands unforeseen storms.

Secondly, what’s the chemistry level between you and your mate? Do you both operate from the same level of intensity about how you feel about each other? Are YOU ATTRACTED to your man or woman: mentally, emotionally, and physically? Do you look forward to being with her, hungry to touch him yet sane enough to be in charge of your emotions? What is your level of intellectual intercourse? Do you take that for granted?

Remember, it begins first with attraction, which builds up chemistry, which in turn now makes you want to enjoy sexual intimacy that grows into romance and then graduates to deep love. When you love someone, you always have the right dose of sex, romance, intellectual intercourse and love in a continuous cycle. In other words, sometimes all you may want is sex with your mate. At another time its romance and then at an increased level it is pure love mixed with a good dose of cerebral interaction, each emotions expressing themselves within that cycle.

Thirdly, are you a naturally secure person? Or do you suffer from bouts of insecurities? When a man proposes and you still feel a sense of insecurity, never try to wave it aside. That is not even the time to get married! Try to know why you feel insecure. Don’t be afraid of what the answers might be, neither should you be ashamed of what the answers reveal.

Instead, now is a good time to actually face them and deal with them. Because if you don’t, these same insecurities will haunt you in your marriage and erode you of your sense of worth and confidence before turning you into a seriously disturbed person consumed by fear, anxiety, and anger with a cantankerous disposition. 

And let me tell you, there’s nothing like a beautiful sense of self to make you surpass the huddles of a relationship when you happen to stumble upon them. So go work on your inner person.

The next time a man proposes, what will you do?

Maybe then I may decide to be your Master of Ceremony, wink!(xoxo).

“Enter, Sharp-Sharp.”

The other day, on board a commercial bus – one of those luxury ones that charge you extra for air conditioning and leg room comfort – for Port Harcourt, the driver stopped over at a very popular food-stop along the Benin-Ore road after a three hours drive.

We all alighted and I quickly dashed off for the toilet to do the easy number. But when I got near the entrance to the loo, the queue of women panting to pee was so long I thought for a moment I must be on the wrong queue. But I wasn’t. Without getting into one of those pensive moods that tends to heightens one’s frustrations by concentrating on the seeming challenge in front of me, I decided to focus my attention on the women ahead of me looking at anything about them I found interesting: hairstyles, shoes, handbags, accessories, dress type and, styles.

But while doing this, a voice kept pestering my thoughts. It kept saying “Enter, sharp sharp; No waste time.” Then I heard again, “Quick, Quick. No waste time; others are waiting.”

The vocal riffs began first in a suggestive tone. Afterwards, with each repetition, the voice and delivery changed from persuasion, to admonishment then to a happy voice. As if abandoning the riffs, the vocalist then bursts into a religious song that seems to uplift her mien and tone.

To my surprise, I noticed unlike my previous experience at this same food-stop, the queue actually moved faster and promptly. The women didn’t muck about neither did the children dilly-dallied as I’ve often witnessed in the past.

Finally it got to my turn and when I entered through the door, I saw a short dark lady who looked like she was in her mid twenties with beautiful corn-rows on her hair, a mop in one hand and a small bucket in another cleaning and squeezing out the dirty water she had mopped from the mud stained floor; cajoling and reprimanding at the same time with a calm disposition that suited her no-nonsense attitude to do her job. This was the first time I had actually encountered a young woman about her age in Nigeria who treated such a manual labour as if it was an extraordinary job to do.

Trust me, these types of workers don’t have a fantastic monthly take-home pay. And the typical attitude of those who are employed for this kind of work is generally one of despondence and sometimes an aggrandised self importance – as though saying “I’m not actually here doing this job and you didn’t see me.”

This was different. The young woman did not carry any of those airs at all. Instead she epitomised the adage: there’s dignity in labour – which is the true definition of what a capitalist is – one who takes pride in his job by providing others a need or service they cannot get elsewhere.

And guess what happened next?

Almost all the women on the queue as soon as they were done with their business dipped their hands into their pockets, purses or wrappers to give the young woman a tip. By the time I calculated the number of tips she received before I added mine to it, she’s already made over N500 within minutes!

That was when it struck me: women actually do support one another when the reasons are damn obvious rather than shrouded. In other words, women can vote for other women if they have complete confidence and trust in another woman who is not only competent at her job but who knows how to communicate effectively!

In other words, how successful you are is dependent on how effective your communication is. It is not about throwing your weight around but leading by example because you believe in what you’re doing and people just believe you because they can both feel and see it.

This implies that your job may not be the type that automatically brings smile to your face but your disposition to that job can be the only difference that brings to your face the kind of smile that every kobo that gets into your pocket can only bring; all because you do your job well, have a great sense of work ethics and a healthy dose of self-assurance.

Kill The Messenger? It Might Just Be YOU!

I never guessed my first real job out of college would put me near the front lines of an international conspiracy, journalistic controversy, and new media revolution. An experience that would teach me some lifelong lessons I use in my work today. But there's a lot of backstory to explain first.

In 1996, I was a freshly minted grad, lucky enough to work as part of an amazing team at Mercury Center, the innovative online arm of the San Jose Mercury News.

Well before the proliferation of social media, Mercury Center had license to push the boundaries of journalism as the beacon newspaper of Silicon Valley. The online medium was a perfect opportunity to tell very complex stories, especially one of the paper's best investigative reporters wanted to tell. 

Gary Webb was a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter who wrote a series known as "Dark Alliance: The Story Behind the Crack Explosion." The story was complex and combustive. Grossly simplified, it asserted a connection between CIA-backed Contras and Nicaraguans smuggling crack cocaine into South Central Los Angeles, alleging the profits funneled back to the Contras. A movie about Gary Webb, called "Kill the Messenger," opens Friday, and has resurrected the experience, sparking reflection for me and my former colleagues.

Working with Gary, we immersed the reader into the story, sharing audio-surveillance clips of alleged drug deals, declassified government documents with redactions throughout, interactive maps showing the flow of weapons and drugs across continents, and perhaps most importantly, an interactive forum for readers to share their reactions with Gary. Crude interactions when compared to today's content, but all innovations in a time well before Google, YouTube or Facebook.

Gary loved the interactive elements, and saw the power it brought to his words, in a way that let him connect with readers. His resolute confidence, his dogged pursuit of the truth, and his thirst for answers typified everything that had made me want to be a journalist. I loved working with the guy, just hearing his stories about his work, and in a small way, helping him with his mission. 

The story was controversial, and the website and forum helped ignite the fire that took it around the world, far beyond the reaches of the modestly sized newspaper. Congressional leaders called for hearings. Their constituents demanded justice and action. The story began to pick up around the world, and the forum's activity grew.

But almost as swift as the story took off, so did the condemnation, at first from major news outlets like the NY Times, LA Times, and Washington Post. And soon after, even from within, from colleagues and coworkers, who began to question his reporting and the paper's handling of the story. 

It was strange having people ask me whether I believed Gary. It was difficult participating in discussion panels where my journalistic heroes from storied newspapers tore apart Gary's work and our online presentation of it. Maybe I was too green to know better, but I still believed in him. 

It wasn't long before the Mercury News wrote a well-considered retraction and self-investigation. Gary's reputation was destroyed, and he was shuttered to a remote office. He eventually left, and after what must've been an amazingly difficult period of several years, tragically, he took his own life.

Before he did, there was some vindication. Some of his critics stepped back from their accusations, admitting they went too far, and there was more truth to the story than they had accepted. Even the CIA eventually admitted some relationship, if not as explicitly detailed in Gary's account, but enough to show he wasn't way off the mark.

While my role was very small, my experience working with Gary still resonates with me today in three lessons:

You have to stand for something.

Whether at work or in life, what matters to you? What are your convictions and beliefs? What drives you ahead? It's easy to slip through every day's routine and losing sight of why you keep showing up. What do you want to be known for leading? What's the one thing people will say about you in discussions at work? (e.g., "She's the person who guarantees we will be more customer-focused." Or "He's the person who will ensure this company does the right thing.")

It doesn't have to be a superhero trait like truth or justice! It can be an initiative you're working on that you're passionate about -- something you will refuse to see fail. It can be a conviction about investing in your family first, perhaps. But if you don't stand for something, you stand for nothing.

Having courage can be lonely.

Sometimes doing what you believe in means others will criticize you, isolate you, and take action against you. You can find yourself alone as a result. This is a time where bravery is even more difficult. With your courage of convictions, you have to press forward.

At work, it's always easy to be tempted with the short-cut, or to compromise on the product in the interest of time, or bend on things you thought were resolute. While you must be open-minded, if you stand for something, sometimes, you might have to march forward alone.

The truth isn't always clear.

In a world of polarizing news stories and rhetoric, it's easy to be seduced by the headlines. But often, truth is nuanced. I dont know if Gary ever doubted any of the things he wrote. And maybe we won't ever know all the truth behind what happened.

No surprise that work and life aren't that different. But can you have conviction, and still be willing to consider the contrarians? Without that consideration, you push the same one-sided rhetoric. The best leaders I've seen have a clear vision and plan to pursue it, but are never unwilling to hear other opinions to potentially adjust that path.

It's easy to reflect back upon my experience to pick up these soundbite lessons. But I admit it's sometimes difficult to be consistent. If I were in Gary's shoes back then, I don't know I could've maintained the objectivity, especially amid the relentless criticism. But I hope to embody his integrity and passion through my work in the future.

PS by LadyE: Truth is SINGULAR; It's variations are not.

This story was culled from: LinkedInShare, written by Mark Hull, Director of Product Management at LinkedIn.

The story was tilted: Kill the Messenger: Lessons Learned from a Global Controversy

Oct 8 2014 on LinkedInShare on FacebookShare on Google PluseShare on Twitter.

Travels....

CELEBRITIES AT YOUR BECK AND CALL

An Unusual Place to Meet Your Favourite Celeb: all it will cost you is a to-and-fro flight ticket, a two-day hotel stay, meal tickets for two days, one day train ticket and possibly a visa.

"Where?" You ask excitedly!

None other than at Madame Tussaud's.

Join me, feel free to ask your Celeb any questions, any questions at all...for they shall be answered pronto.

'Am so full of mirth right now. I hope you find the 'story' stimulating enough for your next trip (wink!). 'Cos it always fun and different each time.  

Albert Einstein with Lady E. Go figure!!! 
(YOU can BECOME what YOU PREPARE for!)

My first meeting with Einstein was beyond surreal! I gasped. I jumped and I almost shouted. Only it exploded into a childish giggle of wonder! Thing is, he just stared back at me with those those intelligent eyes of his; enjoying my irrational response at seeing him teaching. He didn't mind that I had interrupted his class for even the minutest of a second. He knew what I wanted, so he obliged me: "Snap away!" he said. Of course I snapped away, 'cos I simply had to steal this shot of a lifetime with the man that changed this world with a simple formula: E = MC2(square). That period became the era of the Superpowers! Whoever had control of the formula would determine the fate of mankind. Sadly, the story of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the lessons therefrom, should not, and must not be forgotten. Einstein discovered a powerful formula, but the misuse and abuse of it, plunged man to near self-destruct. At any rate, you've gat to love Einstein - for there was a man with an intelligent mind. 

Morgan Freeman with Lady E
 (Your MIND is Your TOOL. USE IT.)

Do you recall the Film Lean on Me? Fair Eastside High School? That was the film that made me love Morgan Freeman. His belief in his students, their capacity to learn and become who they can BE, despite their background, environment, peer pressure, lack of family care and the pressure of conforming with the title of HNIC's stance, Morgan set free his students. Not by telling them what to do but encouraging them to learn to use their head - get their mind to work! because they can overcome any odds with that powerful tool! And for that reason I just couldn't miss a snap shot with this Man who showed just how powerful we can all take charge of our 'fate' or 'destiny' as some would say. It was an absolute pleasure to meet you Sir Morgan Freeman.

George Clooney with Lady E
 (did you see that grin!hahaha)

Do you see my almost-face-spitting grin! Only one guy is responsible for that. George Clooney! The one guy women all over drool for! Don't tell me you missed that Expresso Coffee Advert! Anyways, I simply wanted to charm myself a bit. I even had to pinch myself to make sure it was real. And guess what? George was every bit as charming as the guy you ever first fell in love with (it doesn't matter whether you married the guy or not; it's just that feeling you experienced I want you to recall). Hmmm. You bet! All the single ladies! Put your hands up! Hahahahaa.

Judy Dench 'M -Bond 007' with Lady E
(now...THIS is something)

My love and respect for Judi Dench is simply more of awe. I admire her for the roles she delivers; the persona she brings on screen for each character. Dench understands the power of language, the significance of the meaning behind each character she protrays. She has this underlying perception of the real issues beneath every story, every plot and every objective a film hopes to capture. Above all, she steals your heart the only way someone like Julia Roberts would. Now, that's a woman with a mission! Her exit from 007 was how I had envisioned her to leave: with a mission thoroughly accomplished; no excuses for not doing the job well.Thanks Judi, for this exclusive pix like no other. (WINK!) -"it will always be alright in the end"

Usain Bolt & Lady E 
(You can Become what You PREPARE for!)      

Usain Bolt tells you that you have no reason NOT to reach for you own star! Oh yes it's true. He beat his own record three times! And every other record before him. You've got your own star (hehehe). When I saw Bolt, I went loco with a positive vibe. I've always been an athlete, even coached my school's first female football team too (yeah!); so I could really relate with Bolt. In the end, it is not the race, religion, background, education, social status, etc that determines how far you want to go. These experiences only exposes, probably shape a bit of you but they do not determine who you choose to become. YOU DO.

That is why I title this piece with my personal Credo: YOU BECOME WHAT YOU PREPARE FOR(TM).

HOW CLEAN ARE YOU? 

The other day I got talking to a friend of mine I hadn't seen in donkey years. We talked about everything: school, work, family, politics, religion, passions, joys and disappointments.

You may be surprised to find out what his greatest disappointment was. His reply to me was: "Do you know sickening it is to see men in changing rooms wearing torn, rumpled and sometimes dirty boxers and briefs? It's even more devastating to be living with a wife who is not clean down there. Who feels her personal hygiene is not enough for me to feel disinterested in fulfilling my marital dues."

I think the look on my face must have been one of bewilderment because his next response to me "Yeah, right she said that to me", got me sitting upright on my chair. Now I was all attention. But that was when he decided to change the subject.

Just yesterday, a woman at the office was gisting to another close friend of hers (I happen to be within their hearing shots 'cos they wanted me to make my inputs later once I'm through with what I was doing), of how her husband came home all sweaty and dusty from the Lagos traffic and simply wanted to get down with her without washing first. She tried to get him to wash but he took that as a personal insult and stomped off to a point-and-kill joint to hang out with his friends instead watching the FIFA 2014 World Cup.

My point? 

Women and men; husbands and wives want to be treated like babies: kissed, cuddled, touched, hugged, necked, loved, etc. But as you can see it's a whole lot easier to do that when we smell good and clean, right? And just in case you've forgotten, it's part of the romance in marriage. That doesn't mean you buy expensive perfumes. No. Simple daily wash and regular cleaning is all you need. How cheap is that?

Besides you don't have to wait till you're married to keep clean. Smelling fresh and clean is a lifestyle. It is not some act you put on when the guy is around, and put off when the babe has left the building.

So, HOW CLEAN ARE YOU down there and in every respects...?

THOUGHTS...

Fearless Love

Be The Best You Never Thought You Could Aspire To Be... 
Because in the End is About Looking Back and Saying: "I Did It; Yes I Can and Will!!!" 
Now, that is FEARLESS LOVE....
Living Everyday of your life as the Greatest Opportunity, rather than a reason to fear.

What Is Holding Your Dreams Back?

NEVER LET YOUR DREAMS AND BELIEF IN YOURSELF DIE! It’s the true definition of SELF WORTH.

Whatever you conceive in your mind manifests itself in your life...feed it with negativity and all you get are failures, fears, non-productivity, feelings of not being loved and wanted. But when you Believe and tell your subconscious mind that it has so much goodness, worth, love and capacity, then you'll see it manifest in every facet of you life!

An 'unusual encounter' (wink!)

All You Need Is A Thousand Steps

It’s all about One Step at a time... there's no need to rush. It's like learning to fly... unless of course you want to crash land, there is no short cut to success. Do what you have to do but never be too much in a hurry to deep your hands into the frying pan to prove you can take 'risks.'

How can you achieve this?

Here are 5 key steps you need to take:

1. What are your clear goals?
2. What are your measurable goals?
3. What are your Specific goals?
4. What are your Plans?
5. What are your Action strategies?

When you can answer these questions, then you are on your way to making that BIG DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW!

See you where you want me to meet you!