Highway Merchandising

The tall straggly figure sprinted after the bus as it drove past him. Suddenly the bus swerved sharply as it tried to avoid the ditch in front. The young man too narrowly escaped being knocked down by the bus as he jumped to the other side of the ditch. 

Still, he refused to give up running after the bus. He ran after it as he saw the out-stretched arm protrude out of the bus window willing him to run after it. He stepped up his speed running, imagining himself to be Usain Bolt. And with one final leap, he stretched him arms and placed the bottled water into the waiting hand of the determined passenger who must quench his thirst, a naira note in his right hand, which he let go as soon as the bottled water sat safely in his hand.

Zoom! The bus sped off, leaving a cloud of dust hovering after it. The young man ran after the naira note determined to grab the returns of the sale he just made but the note kept rolling on the buoyancy of the swirling dust.

Finally, he reached it and made a grasp for it just in time before another gust of wind blew his hard earned money into the deep ravine nearby.

This was his regular routine, his only means of survival. But this was not his only skill. He had other mechanical skill as a vulcaniser, but since the road construction began some months back, most of the owners or smaller cars have refused to ply the road except high-end commercial motors and other heavy duty vehicles.

Just then, another bus drove past him and he swiftly ran after it certain he had seen an out-stretched hand. For several intense seconds he pursued the bus only for the hand to wave back at him. The message was clear: ‘Sorry. I’m not buying water. Apologies if you misunderstood my dangling hand.”

The man with the merchandise understood. He stopped running, waved back and smiled. There will be another customer soon.

Dating women is My Only Compulsion

There’s this guy I know. He’s handsome in a roguish way and has the kind of height most women will die for. He’s versatile, gifted, skilled and a wordsmith. 

But here’s the thing that makes him tick. Whenever he walks into a room and chances to see women, his thinking mode gets into the dating overdrive. He becomes instantly alert, sweeps his eyes over the faces of women, does a quick mental note-taking of their statistics: busts, hips, eyes, arms and their general comportment.

He smiles to himself and says: “They are all dateable!” and with one swoop he charms his way into the group of women, teasing, cracking licentious jokes, at the same time responding wittingly to their snide remarks about his jokes; refusing to feel insulted by the dead-on look one or two women throws at him but basks in the knowledge that he could provoke that level of moral outrage from them.

You’d think that the women really don’t like him and want him out of their hairs, yet rather than shove him off with their sarcastic disgust, it is interesting to observe that it seems these women don’t actually want him to go. Their body language was enough giveaway: a pretentious glance at him and away from him just in time before he looks their direction, hands splayed over hips as each woman rearranges her skirt, gown or jeans. From where I sat I could tell they enjoyed his company far too much than most of the other guys who had stopped by earlier to chat them up.

Even when he told them: “I’ll date all of you at once. Then I’ll date your sisters and friends too”, the women laughed, many already turned-on. The only question left hanging was: of the lot, who would he take home?

Sometime later when the event had reached its peak and it was time to go, as I walked towards the stairs I noticed three women eagerly rushed after this guy just as he was about to leave too and said to him: “Please can you drop me off just along the way?” another said, “If you’re going along my way, I don’t mind the ride with you.” and the third one said, “Please can I join?”

The guy didn’t waste time deciding. “Hop on in!” he announced to them and the babes giggled endlessly, rushing into his car, two of them struggling for the passenger seat in front. One succeeded and the other had no choice but to take the seat directly behind the guy. And off they zoomed into the night. I looked behind moi and I could see the wishful looks on the other women’s faces who looked like they would have preferred to be in the other women’s shoes.

That was the last I saw of him until an off chance meeting when I bumped into him some weeks later at another formal function. He recognised me instantly because I had taken a part in the previous event. We struck off immediately talking politics, business and social issues and before long we veered into unchartered territories – one I have been eager to get a better understanding of. I asked him: “How come the ladies wanted to go out with you even when you told them you’ll date all of them? I’d thought that would have been a turn-off...”

He smiled roguishly at me and said, “They like a man who is virile. Although my comments and jokes ought to have made me a marked man that’s un-dateable, the reverse is always the case.”

“In other words, it means that these ladies read between the lines and noted that if you could handle more than one, then you’re more than capable of fully satisfying one?”

“True, that.” he said.

I thought to myself. If this is the case indeed, it means that one of the criteria women are looking for in a man is virility. Yet the question begs: what type of woman does it reveal one to be who goes after a man who says he can date several women at once? Matter of fact, is it really a type of woman or more of what choices a woman gets to make? Is this a psychological predisposition, or cultural, environmental or religious conditioning? Perhaps it’s more of a societal shift in norms and values...Or is it indeed a reflection of a woman’s personal choice of who she dates and why she prefers it?

So I asked him, “The ladies that left with you, was it in the hope that they’ll get paid at the end of the event?”

“I don’t give women a dime!” he said. “This is about mutual satisfaction, a fun thrill we both wanted and went for it. And if you noticed, two of the ladies have fantastic jobs in two multinational companies while the third woman runs a successful boutique. So they weren’t coming for the money.”

“Do you think perhaps they were coming for the hopeful idea of becoming The One – the woman who would steal your heart, then?”

He was so full of mirth before he replied me and said, “Sure. That’s always at the back of their mind. Even when I tease them that they could become my fourth or fifth wife, they seem not to mind.”

“Is age perhaps a factor – the thinking that their clock may be ticking away?” I asked.

“In some cases, yes, but in others I’ve found that they just want to settle down and bear the title ‘Mrs’; only in one or two cases that the women were simply comfortable not making or hinting at any of these hopes.”

So I said, perhaps to counter his stance. “Steve Harvey said there’s a man for every woman and a woman for every man. If that is the case why would a woman settle for what you offer?”

“Well maybe in America, there’s a man for every woman and because America law is strongly against bigamy, well they have no choice but to string along until the man with the proposal, ring and certificate comes along to sweep her off her feet. However, statistics have always shown that there are always more women than there are men at any given time except in very rare societies. 

“Then too, you must realise that in Africa and Nigeria, culturally and religious-wise, this is a way of life, in fact it is accepted as an option to explore. Even in Lagos the house of assembly has decriminalise the desire to make such choices. Islam allows men to marry more than one wife and where I come from it is common to see men with more than one wife. So it is a personal decision, a choice that others who feel by default of their religious or morality conditioning refuse to see it as an option, should not bother sticking their mouths into the matter.

“Besides a serial monogamist is no better than a stable polygamist if you feel we need to be fanatical about wrong or right here; nor is a guy who is unmarried yet serially dates and keeps mistresses or girlfriends a better angel or a lesser devil than the polygamist. My point is, people live with their choices: good, bad, in sickness, in health and wealth, in quarrels and so on. Even monogamy has more than its fair share of these, as statistics show. But I think the question you should be asking is, how prepared are you for marriage? Many unhappiness, problems and challenges that come up in marriage is as a result of the ill-preparedness and misplaced expectations of those going into it. And in some cases, one party is more prepared than the other party, which can really cause friction, bad chemistry and plenty disappointments.”

The moment he paused, it suddenly struck me that he had been waiting a long time for someone to ask him these questions and I just happened to get him talking. I looked at him and began to wonder for the very first time if there’s more to how mankind can live than the ideal that is preached and lauded as the only way. 

To get his view on another provoking issue, I asked: “Are we a reflection of the family we come from?”

He smiled and said, “Sometimes. Most times. In fact, all of the time.” he laughed again, then said, “We are either fighting what we experienced as we saw how our parents lived or we embraced their lifestyle because we either felt we had no choice or because we’ve been conditioned to think that way and so we accept it as the best way; or we simply are cowards and so remain as we are because we are afraid to be true to who we are.

“We all have weaknesses; we only learn to manage them. Making something a taboo only increases man’s curiosity to venture, to experiment, to explore, to discover, and know. They once said it was an insult to God to attempt to go to the moon. That taboo only made man dare going to the moon. However, this does not mean I’m saying taboo on murder and stealing should be removed because you have no right to take another man’s property or life without his willing consent. 

“We are all traders trying to survive. Marriage is a trade whether we like it or not. The choice of whom we date is a trade negotiated so we can live happy, fulfilled lives with someone we care deeply about; although to be honest I see marriage as an institution forged by the weak to control the strong. However, in this matter under discussion, sex is simply food that man eats when he is hungry: with his wife, fiancée or girlfriend. When you are hungry, you buy a meal if you have the means to afford it. It is now up to the seller to trade. It could be trade by barter or trade for something tangible in return. So nobody is forcing you. It is that simple. Why? Because you have the choice to say NO! and Walk. Away. 

“Why pretend as though someone forced you into it? 

“And let me say this to you. I am not so crazy about the act as much as I am about the willingness of the woman that is self-inclusive. But the process of chasing a woman and getting her, that’s the thrill for me. Because the moment I sense resistance on her part when about to perform the act, I am turned off completely. As a matter of precaution, I allow them to take the lead first before I now take charge. That way she won’t claim she was forced.

“Every girl has the power to say NO! She has the choice TO. WALK. AWAY. It is up to YOU.”

Unusual Chemistry

He walked with a pronounced limp as though he trudged through unseen snow or thicket. He wore a mo-hawk hairstyle, designer shirt sleeve, chinos trousers, and top-end loafers. He was handsome.

I watched as he kept trudging on tiled floor with an unmistakable confident gait. He had style despite his physical challenge. Got to give him that.

Yet, my heart sank as I watched him. Then I heard him speak so fluently with a good command of the English language and my heart simply melted.

Still my heart sank and all I kept thinking asking was, WHY? Was his limp due to an accident, or was it because of ignorance, forgetfulness or sheer disregard for taking precaution when he was young to get vaccinated for polio?

As I looked at him while he carried out his activities, I began to wonder if any woman would accept him completely as a whole man despite his bodily limitation. By the time my mind returned from its faraway thoughts to the present, he was no longer in sight. Where did he go? 

Moments later as I stepped into the air-conditioned bus, I saw him! He held on to the waist of a dark complexioned pretty woman! He embraced her affectionately, cuddled her repeatedly, laughed and teased her at the same time and the woman responded girlishly as she giggled then frowned at something and began smiling again. I think he almost gave her a peck! (wink!)

I loved what I saw and my heart ascended from its original descent to luxuriate at the beautiful, loving sight before me. Everyone deserves love, to be accepted wholly and unconditionally.

And yes! love can be found in the strangest of places.

When you find love, it is yours to take, to embrace, and to own. It is yours. You do not need the approval of someone else to determine whom you love or where you find love.

But remember, with every choice comes cause and effect. So be ready to live with your decision. And while at it, make it worth your while. Cheers.

He Did This to Me

The young woman wore a green lycra material, her stomach protruded in the form-fitting gown. She held on to some herbal products in her hands as she hawked about and stealthily approached customers she hoped would buy the bitter-kolas loosely placed in her palms.

She looked about twenty-three-years old.

Her hair was held in a relax bun and her earrings spackled in the sun; but as her face moved from one customer to another, anxiety etched deep on her phizog, a feeling of disappointment seething in her eyes.

She walked about in her beautiful white flip-flop in a staggered manner as she tried to decide how best to engage customers waiting to board the bus. Her pointed stomach became painfully obvious as I watched her struggle to make a sale.

The only question that kept popping in my head was: why did she allow herself to get pregnant when she can barely take care of herself? And for that matter, why would a guy knock up a girl without precaution if he wasn’t ready for marriage or can’t even afford to take care of the woman he knocked up?

Sad to say, this is trend of women in their twenties and thirties getting knocked-up is becoming an everyday occurrence. I am not talking about teen pregnancy here. I am talking about grown-up women getting pregnant without taking precaution. And the Statistic is climbing. 

You’d therefore expect that with such a worrisome trend becoming the fodder of daily gossip and gist, many matured babes will get wiser when it comes to having one-night stand or on-going affair without using precaution.

Here’s a real life story. The other day, a friend of a colleague was complaining bitterly how his regular girl had gone ahead to stop taking her pills and gotten pregnant even though he had told her from the get-go that their affair will not lead to marriage. She is thirty-two-years old. 

On further investigation, I was shocked to find out that the babe in question had agreed to this condition in their relationship, but it became clear that getting pregnant was a desperate move on her part to sink her claws into him and hoped that he would be forced to do the ‘honourable thing’, the ‘proper thing’!

But wait a minute, isn’t that a show of greediness on the woman’s part? Wouldn’t it have been more honourable for her to act ‘honourably’ by not getting into an affair with him in the first place, much less get pregnant for a man who wanted her only for the release and pleasure they could both get from each other?

To cap it all, this babe does not have a business of her own, no career or job of her own that would bring in steady income for her. So for her to think that getting knocked-up would be a one-way ticket to financial freedom is not only dumb but shows a lazy greedy female who wants to eat, get pampered without bringing anything on the table. And don’t even excuse her by saying she’s providing him with sexual satisfaction because both of them are in it together to enjoy it. So stop right there in your thoughts if that’s the direction you’re going.

That you give a man a good riding does not make you singularly unique; there are many a kobo-and-naira dozen girls who can do that – he only needs to say the word and the babes will come running. It is that cheap these days!

But what is NOT cheap is the unusual connection he will have with you even while in the act. Now that’s priceless. The act is not the focus. You are the one that makes the act matter once he can see himself in you. The question is: what type of person will he see?

LADIES it’s time TO WAKE UP!

WHY? Guys are beginning to realise that no one has a right to enslave them into marriage by getting pregnant. And don’t tell me some other girls get away with it as the men are forced to not only accept responsibility for the child but also married them; a two-in-one fantastic payoff.

The point here is that if the man does not love you but loves your body and what you provide, and worse, has told you from the get-go he has no plan whatever to settle down with you, wisdom on your part demands that you do not throw away your sense of self worth, future plans and goals by dating such a man in the first place let alone getting knocked up by him, hoping that somehow you will finally be able to tie the man down or as some would say trap him.

In the end, you’re usually worse off.

You may say there are those who got married under such circumstances, but the reality is that many of them are paying disappointing price for the pranks they pulled. Although you may be quick to say that some women who did this are doing just fine because their husbands turned out to be wealthy men after all, thing is, if you check deeper, you will find many untold stories, tales that will shock you to pieces. But they have no choice but to manage their marriage as money becomes their comforting ally. And for the most unfortunate ones where money has never graced their front door, it is a disheartening thing to witness. That was their choice.

I cannot emphasize this enough: if you want a child of your own, no problem, but do so because you can take care of both of you. If you don’t take precaution and get pregnant, it becomes your responsibility, except you and the man had a previous agreement. And if a man is supportive enough to pay the bills in caring for the child but chose not to marry you even after the child is born, that was the conscious and unconscious choice you made. Live with it. 

Stop complaining, backbiting or insulting the man; instead begin to live your life better than it used to be. And remember you didn’t have to be in this situation in the first place if you had exercise your mind to reason and not simply allowed your heart get carried away!

So Many Ways to Make Money in Nigeria (1)

No currency beats honest currency! You don’t have to launder it, hide it, bury it or look over your shoulders afraid someone is going snatch it away in the same manner it was gotten.

With honest currency, all you need is just the right amount of:

• Self-discipline
• Principal 
• Active and reliable portfolios 
• Getting knowledgeable about financials and investment jargons as well as an 
• Awareness of the many short and long term investment options there are

Here’s a surprise. Do you know that your next rent money for the flat you live in can return money on investment for you when kept in a fixed deposit account for one year? At the current interest rate of 10% - 11% that same rent money, say for example it’s N250,000 will yield @10% another N100,000 within that year. This is the equivalent of N25,000 every three months! Not bad, right? 

So if you have your next rent money on hand, rather than keep the money stashed away in a cupboard for three months sitting there doing nothing for you, with this knowledge you now can make your money work for you! Try it! It’s fun too! Just take along the necessary documents: Valid I.D, Passport, Utility Bills no less than six months, Bank Verification number and Signature card and you’re in!

Imagine what you will be earning year-in year-out if you make that fixed deposit secured for your child’s future education! No more school fees worry!

In fact, if someone gives you money to hold for him because he doesn’t want to spend it, the right place is a fixed deposit account! Because it is fixed, you cannot have access into that account no matter what until the number of days you’ve agreed to with the bank: 30 days, 60 days, 90 days or more. 

This is one way to make your money work for you! It also teaches you to have patience, learn to plan better, develop self-control when it comes to how you see money, savings, and investments and how you plan your future: owning a home (even when you’re single!), education, training, family obligations etc.

There is no shortcut to gaining honest wealth. Those who attempt shortcuts on the way always get burnt in the long run. Although some may live to spend their money, quite a number don’t.

But your case need not be like that. Start making your small change work for you and sit back and watch it yield money for you. No wayo-wayo; no jibiti! Just simple honest business.
Go visit your bank today! Now!

The next article will give you more info on other money investments you can tap into: http://ladyechannel.blogspot.com/2015/03/so-many-ways-to-make-honest-money-in.html

So Many Ways to Make Honest Money in Nigeria (2)

If you think that your Savings Account is just for withdrawals only, think again! 

Did you know that your Savings Account can earn you at least 2% for a certain period? The next time you visit your bank, ask the customer officers how long does their bank require money in an account to sit for it to earn 2%. You think two percent is small? 

Let me give you a break down. Suppose you have twenty thousand naira that you do not want to spend or have no need for, how would you make it earn money for you?

Let’s say you place this money into your savings account, how much do you think that will earn you in a month  if you don’t withdraw from this particular account? That is a whopping N4,000! That’s the return on investment for money just sitting in your savings account. That means in a week, your N20,000 makes you N1,000. How many of you have friends who would just dash you N1,000? Do you remember those times when you needed only N1,000 and there was nobody to give you! 

I’m writing this piece so you can start thinking seriously of the many cool, unhurried and honest way you can make money without breaking a sweat! 

And you will agree too, that easy-money is not easy. Not to mention the heartbreak, feelings of been used or worthlessness that envelops you when you take that route. Why go for that when you can settle for much better, eh?

MORE INVESTMENT OPTIONS:

Shares from the Capital Market 

In capital market, the higher the risk, the higher the returns. The limit of making money is not fixed as market lasts for five days; easy ways to cash out emergency cool cash from the stocks when you sell. 

If you’re young and in the working class, then shares and stocks are good options to invest in. Investing on a medium and long term gives you the best returns. 

Shares and stocks always out-perform inflation so you can always get your profits. 

With shares, always buy a mixture of portfolios on a long term basis e.g. a mixture of shares: Nigeria Breweries (very steady), Access Bank etc.

Always ask you financial adviser on the offers obtainable. It is however, sad that many Nigeria bankers don’t take time to help their ‘ordinary’ customers see these options except when they are perhaps high flying individuals. 

Well, now you know. So take your time and ASK! Don’t be afraid to ask because it is your money. Bank with a bank that cares about your money. Forget going for classy banks to feel you belong. If they don’t help you save and make money, then of what use are they to you?

Learn to be more financially literate. READ FINANCE PAPERS, BOOKS and watch financial news to give you an idea of how it works too. Your money is too valuable. Don’t waste it on things that don’t make your money work for you.

Real Estate

Build apartments and rent out. Better still get asset managers to do a good job of managing your property for you – that way you also learn the ropes. A note of warning: be careful whom you give this job to manage. Make research, ASK, ASK and ASK. Get your facts right and be as involved. It’s your money, your asset: so it matters.

Fixed Income

Treasury Bills, government bonds, and mutual funds guarantees principal invested along with profits made at the rate of 10.5%-11%. 

Look for a merchant house or bank that trades in high volume portfolios as they trade no less than 74% of funds in capital market. 

You will be surprise to find out investing only N50,000 in a mutual fund also know as Coral Income and Coral Growth Fund can be one of the best decisions you could make as it provides you the opportunity to learn about, be involved in and have a better and sharper knowledge of how you can invest wisely in fixed incomes while getting a better understanding of the movement in capital market.

Now you have no excuse to remain ‘poor’, be without money or go begging friends to always lend you small change.

All it takes is discipline, commitment, patience and a passion never to beg!

When Customer Service Becomes Synonymous to Customer Satisfaction

Just imagine you got home knackered, wished you could hit the sack but have to cook and clean while thinking of that presentation you must complete before you hit the bed. To ease the burden on you, you delegated to your sister the simple task: buy a recharge card, top-up then buy my bundle data. That was all she was supposed to do.

Certain that she has done the right thing, after you'd showered, you decided to check how much data you now have only to discover she paid for and activated a different bundle altogether! If you were in my shoes, what will you do?

In my case I was in for a rude shock when I realized she had gone ahead to activate a BetterMe Bundle and not My Data Bundle! Hm.

If you like self-service, you will do what I did. But if you prefer being pampered you will call 180. And if you’re lucky, you’ll be forwarded to an agent immediately, if not, you can be sure you'll wait a long time listening to avert promotions blaring into your ears.

Quickly I scrolled through the self-help options to see if I can stop the action. I thought I was in luck when I clicked on ‘Cancel Active Subscription' on the data bundle options. At first I felt relieved that I had ‘saved’ the two thousand and fifteen naira top-up for the data bundle. But to my consternation, after repeated ‘check balance’ attempt, I kept getting ‘sorry you do not have enough credit for this transaction’! 

By now I was fidgeting very seriously, querying my sister why she didn’t pay for my usual bundle. All she kept saying was, "I’m sorry. It was a request error. I thought they meant one and same thing...” on and on she went but I was seething. I had assumed that 'Cancel Active Subscription' was the better way to avoid the data from being used up! 

Now, what would be the next thing to do? Call 180, right? Well, that is where the story for the gods took a surprising twist. The thought of knowing that my hard earned two thousand naira was going to go down the drain just like that freaked me out.

Quickly I dialed 180 and was immediately directed to an online customer. For security reasons, I will keep the real name of the agents I spoke to in trying to resolve this wahala. 

The first agent I spoke to identified himself as Gilbert, he had a forced Hausa accent as he spoke in English. I explained to him how my sister erroneously made a wrong request and how in trying to forestall any further complications I deactivated the service.

Gilbert explained to me that there’s nothing MTN can do from their end as this was a service command. I tried to explain to him that a request can be activated and deactivated so how are we going to resolve this matter by activating the plan on the same bundle my sister erroneously requested which I had deactivated? We went on like this until he said the matter was beyond his level and would therefore call upon his senior to see how the matter can be resolved. 

Immediately, his senior oga came on board, her name was Adetokunbo. I explained again what happened but the woman kept shutting me down with the same explanations Gilbert had given me! She simply refused to see and to think of the possibility of other options or suggestions. On and on she went. But the moment she opened her mouth again to say, “There’s nothing we can do,” I dropped the call. These agents did not care I paid their office for a service I did not get value for!

Overtime I've learnt that agents come in different shades: those who know how to handle emotional customers -  quarrelsome customers – and those who know how to spot a genuine case and deal with the facts. Then there are agents who are always up-to-date with their companies guidelines and policies and those who have no idea or those who choose to have the “Us against them” attitude when dealing with customers. 

There and then I knew I had to speak to another agent. This was money collected for unused service. I have to get it back. There’s got to be a better way.

Immediately I dialled 180 again. The agent identified herself as Belinda. She too explained to me that there was nothing MTN could do.

“But I already have an unused data with my money stuck. How do we resolve that?”

“Madam there’s nothing we can do.”

“Is my money just going to go like that? I haven’t even used it. This happened within the last twenty minutes. Surely MTN can do something about an error request.” We went on back and forth like this for several minutes until she said, “Please hold on, let me find out if you can roll over your bundle. You many have to reactivate the BetterMe bundle so that the previous bundle can be rolled over. But I’ll have to find out first and see what we can do for you in this regard. Please do not drop you call...” 

I said okay and waited for over ten minutes when she finally got back to me and said, “You can get your data bundle rolled over if you top-up the same amount for the same service.”

“Really? Oh! That’s so great. I wish agents can resolve customers’ issues as easily as you have resolved mine. Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome Madam.” She effused sweetly. Just to be sure we understood each other, I asked again, “So you mean once I top-up the same amount and activate the same data bundle, my previous bundle will be automatically rolled back?”

“Yes. Once you do that, I will call you back and let you know that it’s been done.”

“So you can determine that right on your system then?”

“Yes.”

“So you’re saying as soon as I activate, I’ll get a total of 4,030MB, right?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, thank you, thank. I know you can be busy, and I would like to call you back as a reminder just in case you forget to do so...I don’t know, can I have your number?”

“Don’t worry Madam, I will call you back.” 

“Please call be back in five minutes, even less. By then I would have reloaded.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll call you.” 

Feeling so excited and reassured my hard earned money won’t go to waste, I hurried out to buy another N2,000 recharge card and topped-up immediately. I checked my balance. It was: 2015MB. How can that be? Something is not right! I repeated checking 'my balance' thrice. Same thing. What to do?

I waited for ten minutes to roll by waiting for Belinda to call me but she didn’t. So I dialled 180 again. This time a strong confident male voice announced himself, “My name is George, how can I help you?”

Quickly i narrated my sister’s erroneous activation, my deactivation and how I have topped-up hoping to get back 4,030MB rather than 2,015MB. 

He wasted no time. He explained that there was nothing MTN could do about that since it was a command request and on and on. I was so furious with him I told him I just spoke to a colleague of his who explained that once I topped up the bundle the previous data will be rolled over. But he was unwilling to yield. So I gave him an illustration of how I went to a shop, bought a dress, took it home only to discover it was torn. And when I returned it, the seller obliged me and gave me another one! Why can’t MTN do that in this case, I asked. 

It was then he paused, and asked thickly, “Who was the agent who told you this?”

“Does it matter as long as I get my unused money back?”

“Madam this will help me in my investigation because I can see that you only have 2015MB on my system.”

“WHAT! But that is not possible. This must be a fraud!”

“Are you saying you’ve requested for this bundle before?”

“Yes. Just barely within minutes apart.”

“Can you tell when you spoke to this agent?”

“Just ten minutes before I called 180 and was directed to you. Her name was Belinda.”

“Madam, I will have to investigate this matter and get back to you on what will be reached. Please I will call you back on 180 to let you know because what you’re asking for is getting the credit you paid for.”

“Yes. Ok. I hope you’ll call back because many times you agents never do.”

“I will call you back...”

And so I waited and waited. Cooking, cleaning, doing sweet nothings.

Finally after a very long wait, I got the call from George.

“Madam, thank you for waiting... Your credit will be refunded to you and you can now use the current bundle you activated. And please expect a call from Belinda to apologise for misinforming you. Part of our job is to make sure customers are fully informed. Please note that once you deactivate a command, you cannot get it back. Your money will be refunded to you. Thank you for using MTN.”

Words failed to describe the relief I felt. Pure satisfied relief. 

Moments later, Belinda called to tell me that she’s refunding the credit for the unused bundle and it will be her responsibility to pay for that since she had misinformed me.

I couldn’t believe she had actually said that!

Still sated form the delightful news, I got another call from 180. The caller was a man. He was very businesslike like a senior executive. He identified himself as Sloan and said, “Madam, my agents have explained the inconveniences caused you and we are sorry about that. But I can assure you that we make sure agents take responsibility for misinformation. And in your case your money will be credited to you and the agent who did that will held responsible.” He kept on about how MTN take their customers’ complains seriously ensuring that they are satisfied with services provided. I thanked him for his unusual prompt response and professional handling of the situation.

I had barely finished with him, when I got another 180 call. It was George calling again. “Madam, I want to believe Belinda has called you and that your money has been credited to your account.”

“Oh, yes. She has called and she said she will credit the account.” 

“Please look at the various bundle options that will be sent you to via sms...Thank you for using MTN.” 

Belinda kept her word. She credited my account through VTU.

Nowhere in Nigeria, have I ever received such exceptional customer-service response responsibility from a network all within the hour! 

Thank You MTN! 

Remember, Service Orientation is a lifestyle choice. Image is about perception.

The Only Place Where Doctors Don’t See Patients in Nigeria

The slim lady in dark shades walked into the eye clinic. Sat for more than ten minutes, waiting to be called or attended to by one of the clinic staff. But none came forth. She looked around her again. The place looked deserted, as though the workers have disappeared out of sight. No one was even at the small window designed to receive patients’ cards.

“Are there no doctors around?” she asked the man tall man wearing a red Polo t-shirt sitting some distance away on the long hard bench.

“I’ve been waiting here for more than fours to see the specialist. And I have to travel today; I have lectures. But all I’ve achieved since I arrived is sit here and not been attended to!” he said.

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“But why?” 

“They say they are having doctors meetings, hence I have to wait until they are all done.”

“But can’t at least a doctor be stationed to attend to our needs? Because we are so few here.” said the lady.

“The hospital actually gave me appointment to come today. I’m here now; still nobody has said anything to me.”

“I think I need to know what’s really going on.” The lady marched off into the tight office corridor hoping to see a staff. Fortunately, she saw three women: two of them wearing a green staff scrubs – the fatter of the two sitting on a desk and the shorter one standing with her back resting on the door frame with the third woman in mufti, slouched over her chair, was obviously a senior staff.  Seeing all three, the lady in shades directed at question to no one in particular, “Please is there no doctor I can see?”

“Is it an emergency?” asked the fatter one in green scrubs.

“It’s my eyes. They ache so badly.”

“Then the doctor cannot see you. Come on Monday.” 

“Are you serious?”

“Are you on appointment?”

“Eh..no. But my eye aches.”

“Remove your glasses.” said the woman in mufti. Lady takes off her dark shades.

“Your eye is not an emergency case.” she said.

“All through yesterday I suffered from serious pain and even now the right eye aches terribly.” Said the lady.

“Why didn’t you come yesterday when the pain was there?”

“I couldn’t even open my eyes then to see and I leave alone so nobody to take me to the hospital.”

“Anyway, the doctors cannot see you today because it is Friday. Doctors don’t see patients on Fridays.” The woman in mufti replied again. 

Just then the guy in red polo stopped by to listen-in on the discussion.

“Go and come back on Monday.” the shorter woman in green scrubs added.

“But why isn’t there any notice to that effect? I’m sure many of the patients sitting outside wouldn’t have bothered coming.” Lady in shades replied.

“They know! They are aware!” said the woman in mufti. Pointing at the man in Polo she said, “Even this man here is aware that Fridays are only appointment day! You’re the only one who doesn’t know. But now you know.”

“Madam, cool down naa.” Said the Polo guy.

“But I’m cool. I am not shouting.” Mofti replied.

“Yes you’re not shouting but your tone is harsh.”

Smiling and speaking, lady in shades said, “We are sick that is why we came. You think we would have come if we weren’t? So take it easy with us because your voice tone high small.”

“Ok.” Woman in mufti smiles and so did the two green women. 

Lady asks again, “Please do tell, is there a guideline that says because doctors must have their meetings on Fridays so they cannot attend to patients on Fridays?”

“Yes, there is a hospital guideline to that effect and so doctors really have no obligation to patients except on emergency. So you’ll have to come back on Monday.” Continued the woman in mufti.

“But my eyes ache a lot. And I didn’t see any notice pasted on your walls. If private hospitals were any good at what they do, do you think I’ll bother stepping into state hospitals that care less about patients?”

“Madam, there’s nothing that can be done. Fridays at not patients days, only Mondays and Thursdays. Wednesdays are strictly for surgeries and Fridays are for appointments only.”

Lady smiles back. “And were I your sister, in this condition, you will say the same thing?”

Woman in mufti smiles back. “Ok. I can see that the doctors are about to come out. You can wait oo. And if they tell you to come, then they will see you. There’s nothing I can do.”

Polo Man and Lady Shades walked out, talking animatedly, “Can you imagine her response?” asked the lady.

“Don’t mind them! All they know is go on strike and collect arrears for months they were on strike.” Polo man said.

“All these doctors are insensitive human beings!” said an urbane looking man. Polo and Shades both see a signboard, tagged: SERVICOM.

“What is the job of SERVICOM if not to ensure quality services in all sectors they are stationed?” Polo asked.

“Do you think if we call SERVICOM they will do anything?” asked Urbane.

“Those numbers are strictly for show, I’m sure it belongs to the same doctors working here.” said a matured woman in two wrappers.

“But you can’t be sure of that if you haven’t tried.” Lady Shades said.

“I’m telling you they don’t know their work.” Polo man said.

“It’s always good to be sure of your facts, you know. You’ve not tried but you’ve already concluded that they won’t do anything about our not being attended to.” said Lady Shades.

“Okay, I’m going to call them now! Let’s even see if this works!” said Polo man. He dialled the number on the well-worn signboard and placed the phone on speaker.

“Hallo?”

“Yeah...”

“Is that SERVICOM...”

“Go on...”

“Good day sir. I’ve been here at the Eye Clinic for over four hours and nobody has attended to me. 

And I have to travel today.”

“Really. That is not possible.”

“They say doctors do not attend to patients on Fridays.”

“Oh yes, that is true.”

“But I was given an appointment to come today! And many of us are here, yet to be attended to”

“Oh! Em...em...the thing is you have to understand that Fridays are non-patient days.”

“But we are ill. And this is FMC.”

“Yes, yes. Ok. We’ve heard your complaint.”

“I’m travelling today!”

“Ok. Eh... they will attend to you since you have appointment. But everyone will have to be patient.”

“Ok...” just as he was about to hang up, Shades Lady quickly whispered into his ears, “Tell him we want him to address the issue now.” Polo man says so immediately.

“Okay...”

Called dropped.

Shades looked at Polo and said, “Always make your case first. The more you keep telling them you are supposed to travel, the more they will feel not obligated to you. But if you keep emphasizing that you have be neglected despite an appointment, you have a case they can’t shy away from.”

Polo looked at her, wanted to say something but seemed to think the better of it.

Shades looked from Polo to Urbane and asked, “I wonder, didn't they teach them how to answer calls properly? Isn't that supposed to be a service centre?”

“Don’t mind them.” said Mr. Urbane, turned away and whispered something into the ears of the woman next to him. She wore a wedding and engagement rings on her third finger.

“You know he should have answered, ‘This is SERVICOM, how may I help you?’” said Shades.

“They do that so they can easily divert your call if they feel they can escape been irresponsible for not doing their job.” Urbane said.

“Noo. It’s because it is their personal numbers and not an official one!” said Polo Man. Everyone roared with laughter. And a certain quiet descended on the small crowd.

Few minutes later, a medium height man wearing a chequered open-necked shirt, a wrist watch slapped on his left wrist, stepped out of the office corridor into the waiting room where the patients sat. He was looking at his phone. Repeatedly he raised his head furtively over the faces around him then walked back in.

 A short man jolted from his chair, rambled towards the area where Polo Man, Mr. Urbane and Lady Shades sat, shouting “That must be the SERVICOM man!”

“Yes, I was saying so to myself.” Mr. Urbane said.

“You think.” asked Lady Shades.

“Can’t you see how he walked in and went back? He came to check who made the call!” said Short Man.

“Of course! I’m sure the numbers on SERVICOM belongs to the doctors!” Urbane said.

“I’m sure that is what they must have done. They must have switched the SERVICOM numbers to their own so no complaints from patients about them will get directly to SERVICOM.” Polo Man said.

“Yes. He is one of the chief doctors. E be like one of them. Na him!” Short Man added.

“But how can you be so such he is? Do you know him as a chief doctor?” queried Lady Shades.

“Yes I know him.” Short Man raised his eyebrows at Lady Shades.

“But you don’t know for sure if he was the one that picked up the call!” replied Lady Shades.

“Why else did you think he came out immediately after that call was made?” asked Urbane.

“It may have been just a coincidence. Maybe he’s checking all missed calls and messages from someone who may have been here waiting for him to come out of the meeting. You don’t know.” Lady Shades glared at Short Man.

“Eniways...” said Short Man as he ambled away, a smirk on his face.

“You see this is the problem with Nigeria! There are no systems in place!” said Polo Man.

“What other systems do you want in place in an FMC?” asked Lady Shades. “There is a gatehouse, departments, staff, registration and waiting rooms, pharmacy and payment centres in one place. What more system do you need?” asked Lady Shades.

“But nothing is working!” Polo Man said.

“It is not the system that is not working. It is the people manned in each of these system’s key areas that are not doing their job!” Shades replied.

“Look, I work in the private sector, so I know what I’m talking about.” said Polo.

“The medical private sectors all have this same systems and departments manned by humans too. The difference is that in the private sector is that no performance, no payment; no commitment to service, no returns on investments. Simple. And that makes them sit up.”

“You still don’t understand! This country has no system. Look at the case of the PVCs for the coming election. One person registered more than twenty times! If there was a system, then when A comes to register his name should pop up. But that is not the case.”

“The PVC multiple registration dilemma is a people-caused problem. If you as a staff is given a machine and you can tell that the interface with other machines is not functioning properly, do you sit and mop doing nothing waiting until there’s an election about to happen then jump up and announce there’s a problem at last minute? Or do you get up as soon as the problem pops up, have a meeting, proffer solutions at the meeting and get things done and working properly?" Shades asked waiting for Polo to respond. When he didn't reply she said, “Part of our problem in Nigeria is that the simple jobs we are given to do, we don’t do them. And especially in civil service, the attitude is worse. Many persons are not committed to doing their job professionally.”

“That is my point! It is why in the civil service the slogan is: Don’t carry government work on your head, carry it on your shoulders so that you can easily shrug it off.” Polo declared.

“Are you serious? Is that truly the mentality?” Lady Shades asked.

“Yes oo.”

“Unbelievable!”

A squat man wearing multicoloured African prints walked towards the patients and asked, “Please who called SERVICOM just now?” his accent distinctively Western Nigeria.

“I did. Please come with me.” Polo Man got up and went with him.

Lady looks about her at the other patients. Some of them smiled impishly. Then she looked at the short man who had insisted that the previous man had been the SERVICOM impostor and said, “Did I not tell you to be sure of what you say before you say them with emphasis.”

“But I was just telling you as I know naa.” Short Man replied.

“You didn’t know, so you shouldn't have spoken. Always get your facts right before you open your mouth to speak.” Shades said in clipped tone.

“Na Naija we dey oo. Leave that thing!” said Short Man.

Moments later, Mr. SERVICOM walked back to the waiting room and apologized to the patients explaining how this was a new development, promising that everyone will be attended to without exception.

Lady Shades looked at Urbane and the woman by his side and said, “How difficult was that? Communication is everything.” Urbane nodded in agreement.

A nurse walked up to the mouth of the door to the waiting room and announced, “Mr...so and so,” the nurse called out, “the doctor will see you now.” And off he went.

Lady sits on bench still nodding her head in disbelief.

Shortly thereafter, another nurse called Shades in to see the doctor. A dark beautiful matured nurse who spoke so kindly and persuasively about Fridays being only appointment days took her vitals.